I Need You
by Bookworm58
Summary: Post 310 "Six Minutes" In the immediate aftermath of Seward's execution, Sarah has a melt down. Holder is there for her, even when she thinks she doesn't need him. Linden/Holder friendship.


**Disclaimer: This show and its characters belong to AMC**

**This is mainly a Linden/Holder friendship, but I guess someone could interpret it as something more. Either way it has lots of fluff ^^ I tried to write it in a way that would make you think that this could actually happen on the show. I may have failed though :P **

I Need You

* * *

Stephen Holder sat in the waiting room at the prison. Linden had decided to go watch the execution. Realizing that was probably going to a pretty tough thing to watch, he had decided to wait for her. He certainly had reservations about her watching the execution, any more pressure may shatter her already fragile psyche. This was the main reason he decided to stay, to be the moral support she'd probably need once it was finished. He glanced over at the clock hanging on the wall, which read 6:10. She should be coming out any time now, Seward's execution was supposed to take place at 6 o-clock sharp. How long does it take for someone to hang? It's supposed to be quick as the neck snaps from the fall, unless the rope is off and the person has to strangle to death. How long would that take?

Thankfully he didn't have to continue on this grave train of thought, as the door opened and his partner and best friend walked into the waiting room. At once he knew that she was not in a very good state of mind. He could see subtle signs of her body shaking out of nerves. Her eyes looked vacant and unseeing, and she walked in a manner that said she wasn't really paying attention to where she was going.

He got to his feet, and started toward her. His mind was still a little buzzed from all the drinking he'd done the past couple of days, but the events of the day had sobered him up. He could have bet that his mind was probably more clear then Linden's at the moment. Stephen nodded his head in greeting as he approached his tiny partner. She looked up at him, a look of surprise in her dank looking eyes. He assumed that she was not expecting him to still be around waiting for her. "Want me to drive you home?" he asked. There was no point in asking if she was all right, it's plainly obvious that she wasn't.

Linden glanced to look out the window for a moment, obviously debating. Stephen wasn't about to let her drive even if she refused. It was clear that she was in no condition to be driving right now. He'd fight her for the keys if needed to, and he had size and weight to his advantage. Luckily it didn't come to that. She nodded her head, "Thanks…" she said in a small hallow voice.

* * *

Sarah Linden had allowed her partner to take the car keys from her, and willingly got into the front seat. She was so emotionally drained right now; it was seeping over to her physical being. Under any other circumstances she could have fought with Holder some, insisting that she could drive herself home. But she felt so tired and weak she did not want to do anything at the moment. She almost wished she was dead. It would be better then how she felt now. Watching Ray Seward get the life slowly squeezed out of him had been hard on her. If only the rope had snapped his neck, the death would have been quick and painless. Having the listen to him gasp for air, and watch his body squirm as the life slowly drained from his body. Those minutes dragged on so long… too long…

She wouldn't take it back however. Even though it was hardest thing she ever had to watch, it was still the last gift she could give to the man she condemned. To be there for him in his final minutes of life. Holder had soon joined her in the car, remaining unusually quiet. She figured that he was probably still drunk, and a vague thought told her it probably wasn't the safest thing to have him drive. The thought was quickly brushed away as feelings of guilt came over her. She had waited too long; she had been too late to save him. If only she had tried harder to convince Skinner that the evidence didn't line all those years ago, if only she had tried to get him a stay a month ago when he was first sentenced to execution.

Sarah spent most of the drive wallowing in all the "if only" thoughts that her mind could come up with. She wished that Holder would strike up some type of conversation, to get her mind on something other then her failures and mistakes. He remained silent the entire drive however.

Just as she was thinking that the ride could not have lasted longer, Stephen had stopped the car in front of her little home on Vashon Island. A light rain had started to fall during the drive, which made it all the more harder to get out of the car. "Want me to come in?" Holder asked softly, speaking up for the first time since they started driving. He was looking at her with great concern in his eyes. Almost begging her to say yes, so he could take care of her.

She didn't need him through. It would have been better if she had stayed working the ferry, instead of walking back into Holder life and messing him up again. She broke things; did it without even trying. Causing it to happen even when its wasn't even her doing. She was a magnet for personal destruction. She hurts everyone that she's around. Adrian, Ray Seward, Dennette, Bullet, Holder… even Cody couldn't escape without some damage. "Na… I'm ok…" she told him not very convincingly. And without giving him a chance to counter argue she opened up the car door and stepped out into the rain. She bent over to look in at her partner, "Thanks Holder." With that she slammed the door shut, and turned toward her house.

The long walk up to her front door felt like it took forever. Sarah couldn't help but compare it to Seward's final trek down the hallway toward his execution room. She shook her head slightly to rid this train of thought. She had been careful during the drive not to replay the execution in her mind, because her stomach jolted every time she thought of the sounds of Ray's gasping breaths in those final moments.

Once she reached the front door, Sarah stopped, resting her forehead against the frame, breathing deeply. Her composure was quickly failing; she had barely managed to keep it together in the car with Holder. All she had to do now was unlock the door and escape into the beloved privacy of her own home. Unfortunately her mind was in a fog so she couldn't figure out how to do that exactly. Yes she was standing right next to her door, but her fatigued mind could not wrap around the way to pull the keys out of her pocket and unlock the door. Her mind was focused on Seward, a life she was unable to save.

"Linden?"

The sound of Holders voice was like a light straining through a dense fog. Looking to the side, her partner was now standing right next to her, concern tracing the lines of his face. Lost in her thoughts, Holder had snuck up at her without realizing it. "Where's your keys?"

Sarah reached into her jacket pocket and pulled them out. Holder gently grabbed them from her hand before she got the chance to put the key in the door. He did her the favor of unlocking the door for her, and motioned for her to walk inside, following after her. She watched him set her keys down on the table that stood next to the door, the table she kept her mail on. He happened to set them on the letter from D.O.C. inviting her to the execution. That did it for her. Now in the privacy of her home, with the only witnesses being her partner who had already seen her break on several occasions, she allowed her composure to fail.

The vision of that invitation, had made her think once again of the execution. The vision of Seward's writhing body as you heard the life get choked out of him was clear in her mind, making her stomach turn over. Sarah started walking toward her nearest bathroom, taking deep shaky breaths to keep her stomach under control until she made it there. Luckily the trip to the bathroom was a short one; she made it just in time though. Sarah had barely closed the door before her knees gave out and she violently retched into the toilet. The day had been too much for her frazzled nerves, with all the stress of trying to get a stay, opening up about her past mistakes with Seward, trying to convince him to see his son one last time only to have it denied at the last minute, and ending with watching an innocent man get strangled to death. There wasn't much in her stomach to bring up; she had only eaten a bag of chips from the vending machine.

Once her stomach had finished its complaint, Sarah leaned back against the wall with her knees drawn up toward her chest. Her stomach still churned unpleasantly, as her body shook with sobs. She was a failure, she had failed everyone. She had failed Jack, had failed Daniette, failed Seward, and even failed Adrian. He never got the chance to have the face to face reunion with his father, they had been so close. But in the end it was too late. He would live with the broken pieces of his father the rest of his life, just like she lived with the broken pieces of her mother.

Sometimes it was hard to look in the mirror. She would see the small traces of what she remembered about her mother in her own facial features. Any memory of her mother was very painful, and to have it staring you in the face every time you looked in the mirror so just a horrible thing to live with. She had tried so hard to save Adrian from that. Every time she looked at the boy she saw a vision of herself; was she a vision of what he would be like as an adult? Maybe he would end up like his father, sitting on the other side of the glass waiting for death row to happen. She had tried so hard… so hard… but in the end it wasn't enough. It sickened her.

* * *

Stephen waited outside the bathroom door, listening to Linden recycle her stomach contents. He had to admit that he wasn't totally sure what he was supposed to do in this situation. Linden was obviously a wreck right now, so he was not about to leave her now. But what do you do for someone whose guilt is eating them alive. The sound of her heaving had stopped after a few short moments, but it was soon replaced with the sound of gut wrenching sobs. They were loud and drawn out. His heart sank as he listened with familiarity; these were the sounds of a tortured soul.

Initially intending to wait for her to come out, Stephen changed his mind and cautiously opened the bathroom door. He pushed the door opened without walking in at first, and stared at her pathetic figure sitting on the ground. It would have taken a real cold hearted person to not feel for Linden at the moment. She was sitting on the ground letting out long wails, with her back against the wall, knees drawn up against her belly. Her face rested on the top of her knees, and both hands were clenching her head looking like she was struggling not to pull her hair out.

Linden began to fidget some in what looked like a desperate attempt to pull herself together. She started with shooting her head up, both of her hands pushed against the tiled ground, and she took a sharp shaky inhale that ended with a strangled sob. Her legs went into what looked like spaz attacks, as she reached up with her fingers and began pulling at her red hair, making her already falling out ponytail come out more. When she started hyperventilating, that is when Stephen decided it was time to intervene. "Linden," he called out to her, stepping into the bathroom and kneeling down beside her. "Linden c'mon ya needa calm down," he reached out to touch he shoulder but she violently flinched away from him and Stephen pulled back.

He was a complete loss of what to do. He had never seen Linden like this before; actually it's been awhile since he's seen anyone like this. There had been a few similar breakdowns at some of his N.A. meetings, but there had always been people there that knew what to do, and the person crumbling had always responded well to physical touch. This was a very different situation. This was Sarah Linden he was with, the woman who buried her heart and feelings so deep with her, it only come up for air when they were forced to. And the two of them were alone in Linden's house. He decided to try offering her what would normally calm her down. "Do you need a smoke?" Stephen reached into his pocket, and pulled out a single cigarette. He moved to offer it to her, but she slapped it out of his hand jumped to her feet.

Taking large gasping breaths, Linden stormed around the corner toward the kitchen. "Linden!" Stephen called running after her. Was she trying to run away again? Linden hastily wiped the tears away from her face, still breathing deeply in an attempt to hold herself together. She really needed to calm herself down, that was for sure, and Stephens mind reeled trying to think of how to do that. When he walked into the kitchen, Linden was frantically organizing her kitchen. She grabbed a box of cereal and roughly shoved it into an overheard cupboard. "Linden…"

"His neck didn't break!" Linden shrilly spoke in a broken voice, her breathing reaching close to hyperventilating again.

"What?" Stephen asked her. In the wake her current breakdown, he couldn't pinpoint what she was talking about exactly.

"Seward! When he-" her voice broke off as her breath hitched with anxious breathing. She grabbed a stray mug, and ceramic plate that was sitting on the counter and placed it into the sink. The two items clattered together as she did so. "When he fell the fall didn't break his neck! He choked to death!"

She was speaking so fast now Stephen almost missed what she said exactly. It shed some light on why she as freaking out now. That must not have been an easy thing to watch; why had she insisted on watching the execution. Her mental state was already a brittle mess, now it seemed to have shattered. She was obviously blaming herself, "Linden that's not your fault, the damn measurements where off or someth-"

"I told him it wouldn't hurt!" she screamed at him, turning around quickly. Her chest heaved up and down with heavy breathing, and eyes still shined with approaching tears. "But it did…" her voice had grown soft and feeble again. It was one of those rare moments when he saw the broken little foster girl, looking so lost. Needing someone to show her that she mattered. "In the end he felt every minute of it. I did that too him…"

That sort of talk needed to stop right now. "Look Linden you may have put him away, but you did not sentence him to hanging. He chose that himself, don't you be blaming yourself on something you had no say in." That venerable part of her was masked over again in a flash. Her jaw tightened in order to keep her emotions at bay, and she went back to organizing the kitchen. Placing dirty dishes in the sink, and putting away various items that lay on the counter. It was still obvious that she was barely holding it together. Stephen could see her visibly shaking, and every few seconds she'd inhale sharply in what sounded suspiciously like a forced back a sob.

If she kept this up, she was going to stroke out, faint, or something bad. He wished she would have just taken the damn cigarette, it at least would have lightened the stress on her body. He briefly debated offering her another one, until another idea came to mind. It wasn't a normal thing he'd do, but it would certainly work faster then a smoke.

He crossed over the kitchen, and opened the refrigerator. Linden was still trying to hold herself together, and didn't bother to stop him or ask what he was doing. In a brief visual search through the refrigerators contents Stephen found what he was looking for. A bottle of Sherry. There was a small glass on the counter nearby that she had not grabbed yet, he didn't know if it was dirty or not, but didn't care to ask. Filling the glass just a quarter way up, Stephen walked over to where Linden was standing by the sink and offered it to her. "Drink this," it was not a suggestion, it was an order. Linden gave him a weak glare, and turned her back t to him. She picked up a piece of trash and threw it roughly into the trashcan, her breath still deep and shaky. "Linden," Stephen warned in almost a parental voice. "Don't make force it down your throat."

Wow, if looks could kill. Linden was giving him an icy glare, but still complied. Snatching the glass from his hand and downing it like a shot. You could see her façade slowly deflating as the alcoholcoursed through her body, probably taking the edge off. "Feel better?"

Her lips began to tremble, and her eyes filled with tears, she was about to break again. Linden slowly sank to the floor, and finally allowed the tears to fall freely. She sobbed, but these were not the same type of sobs that brought her into hysterics and left her hyperventilating. This was a healthy type of crying, what she really needed at the moment. She cried openly into her hands, her body trembling. Stephen sat down beside her, and after initially hesitating he reached out to touch her shoulder. As expected she flinched away, but it wasn't as bad as before. The first time she flinched away it was an obvious message of 'don't you dare touch me!' This time however it was more of a pleading message of 'please don't touch me…' Knowing this could possibly end with his hand getting sliced, Stephen took a chance reached for her again. She did not shy away this time.

Stephens hand sunk into her jacket until he felt the resist of her shoulder bone. He slid it across her shoulders and pulled her into a gentle hug. There was a slight resistance from her body at first, but he was able to subdue her without too much strength. He wrapped his arms around her small racking frame, and guided her head to rest against his chest. It didn't take long for her hot tears to soak right through his hoodie and shirt, wetting his bare skin.

Several long minutes passed. Stephen allowed her all the time she needed to work out her sorrow, grief, guilt whatever she was feeling right now. Her sobs eventually began so slow down, and her breathing evened out. When he felt her start to pull away, he did not resist. She leaned back against the counter, sniffling and wiping the tears away from her puffy red eyes. A deep rattled breath escaped her lips, and she opened her hand out to him. Stephen couldn't help but smile, knowing exactly what she was asking for. Somehow in there friendship, they created a silent language, where they understood what the other was saying with only body movements. He handed her a cigarette.

Sniffing again, Linden placed it between her teeth and moved her head toward Stephen when he offered her a light. She inhaled the smoke deeply, then laid her head back against the counter with her eyes closed, sighing a smoky sigh. Then she lowered her head into her hand as if a headache was approaching. He wouldn't be surprised, after the day she's had and ending with that breakdown, his head would be splitting right now. "You should probably get some rest," he wisely suggested. "When did you last sleep?"

"Yeah…" Linden whispered ignoring his question, and taking another whiff of the cancer stick. She pushed against the ground with her hand and got to her feet, using the counter for some extra support.

Stephen stood up as well. He was relieved it was over. As much as he liked Linden, he knew very little about handling breakdowns, and he was certainly in no hurry to go though that again. It took enough of a toll on him and especially Linden. "Want me to stay?"

"No- no I'm fine," Linden shook her head, placing the cigarette between her lips and inhaling again.

Stephen nodded his head, deciding not to fight it. He had done is job for the day, the rest she needed to work out on her own. Now it was time to move past all this, and get to working on finishing up with the Pied Piper case. Joe Mills still hadn't confessed to killing all those girls, but they had more then enough evidence to convict him. The two of them shared a last look of vulnerability with each other, between the wake of Seward's execution, and Bullets death they both needed to work their shit out. Sleep would probably help them both, and a shower. That what he was going to do when got hope. Hopefully Linen would decide to do the same. "Cya tomorrow; Sarah…"

* * *

**There you have it. This is what I imagined would happen after the last episode. I apologize if Holder seemed out of character, or his voice was off. And I also apologize for the rushed ending. I wasn't totally sure how to end it without it turning into a novel. I've noticed that everyone I write wants to turn into a novel. Hope you enjoyed **


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